


Forgiveness

by Maulfan



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Angst, Feels, Forgiveness isn't happening, M/M, Redemption is not an easy fix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-02
Updated: 2012-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-13 05:37:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maulfan/pseuds/Maulfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He has watched Tony for months now. Watched the way he does what is right even when the people who shouldn't hurt him do. Watched the way he doesn't mind Banner's Hulk or allow himself to be twisted by his father's neglect as a child. And... he wonders if maybe, just maybe, the mortal might understand him- care for him- too.</p>
<p>He is wrong. </p>
<p>OR:</p>
<p>The one where Loki finally understands what it means for his actions to have consequences that he can never, ever undo.<br/>(Written for <a href="http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/9218.html?thread=20609794#t20609794">This Prompt:</a> on Avengerkink)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness

**Forgiveness**

Loki feels suddenly cold. Exposed.

“But... you mean—I thought you might have understood. Of all people. You used to...”

He can’t finish.

Not when Tony is looking at him like that.

Like he’s lower than the ants or a piece of excrement on his boot.

“Yeah? You thought wrong. You think just because your dad didn’t notice you and my dad didn’t notice me that I’d _sympathise_ with you for invading? You think just because you didn’t get as many hugs as a kid as Thor that somehow means it’s okay to try to murder him? Us? There wasn’t any excuse which justified what I did before Afghanistan and I fucking closed down my entire weapons manufacturing unit when I knew what was happening. I sure as hell don’t think there’s any excuse for what you pulled because you don’t even have the poor excuse of ignorance to cover you.”

The worlds are heavy with disgust and disappointment, and almost he wants to say, _but your people like you now. You made up for it and I don’t know_ how.

But the brown eyes are too—

He can’t.

Doesn’t know anymore why he ever thought just feeling anything would be enough.

“I love you,” he’d said.

And it hadn’t been enough.

Tony’s still talking and he lets the rush of words flow over him.

Until:

“And you know what? When _you’ve_ decide to dedicate the rest of your life to making up for what you’ve done, then you can come back looking for sympathy. Not before.”

And there’s something in the words. Something he chooses to ignore.

Because Tony is right.

Right.

Until he atones—until he stops trying to escape and _pays_ for what he has done—how can he expect one of Thor’s Shield Brothers to respect him? To—to _care_ for him?

The man has stopped talking now, and Loki decides to just... leave.

Leave.

Asgard. He needs to leave for Asgard.

Only the Allfather can truly tell him what he needs to do—what he needs to let happen to him—before he can be forgiven.

OoOoOoOoO

The Allfather, when he returns, is not pleased.

He asks why Loki returned.

Loki kneels and answers that he is prepared to accept his sentence. He doesn’t say it is for Tony. Doesn’t mention it is for the mortal. Just... kneels, letting his knees grow numb and listening to the courts mutter and tracing the patterns in the flagstones with a moderately apathetic gaze.

When he leaves, he will devote himself to helping people.

If he lives.

If.

OoOoOoOoO

The cave is not nice. Neither is the snake.

But it is only for 12 months.

He tells himself Tony would be proud each day until he loses track of the time. Until he loses track of everything but the venom he cannot escape which dribbles and dribbles and won’t _stop_. He could call Thor, he knows. But this is his sentence. This is what he must do to pay and he wants to pay.

Helping people will be easier when Odin and Thor aren’t trying to hunt him.

When the year is over, he is released and Odin kills the snake himself. It is unanimously agreed that no one will tell Thor about the punishment.

It’s he who suggests that, and Odin agrees.

When his eyes have recovered and his face is no longer a wet mass of slick muscle and melted bone, Thor is called home to Asgard to celebrate his ‘recent’ return.

And if he is a little _too_ eager to ask about the Man of Iron’s exploits... well. He thinks, perhaps, only Mother and Sif notice.

OoOoOoOoO

He spends another year in Midgard developing cures for mortal illnesses. Investigating ways to reduce pollution and poverty in the poorer parts of the realm. Saving people.

Magic has it’s uses.

Then he returns to Tony.

He waits in Tony’s loungeroom and gives Jarvis plenty of time to tell Stark he’s there.

OoOoOoOoO

“You were right,” Loki says, when Tony gets upstairs, still suited up.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You were right. I took your advice. I have been forgiven by the Allfather and I have devoted—will devote—years to helping improve the lives of the mortal race.”  
  
Tony looks blank.  
  
He swallows because this is too much like the last time and it _isn’t supposed to be_.  
  
“You said... you said I could come back. If I did that,” he says, and his voice is too small and too tight and even as the words escape he knows they’re wrong.  
  
Knows they aren’t what he’s supposed to say and he no longer knows what _is_.  
  
And there’s bitter laughter coming from somewhere and it takes him longer than it should to recognise that it’s coming from Tony.  
  
“You know what? Good for you. It can be hell but it’s worth it,” he says, and for a sickening moment hope claws it’s way into his chest because this is good, isn’t it?  
  
“But the thing is, Loki, when look at you, all I see is the guy who stabbed Coulson. I attended his funeral, actually. Didn’t know he had so many friends, but you could swear all SHIELD showed up for it. When I see you, I see the reason Clint didn’t sleep properly for months and the reason when he did he used to wake screaming, scared the freedom was just a lie and he was back with you.”  
  
The mortal is getting closer and there’s a sickening mass inside where he knows his heart should be.  
  
He feels... numb.  
  
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.  
  
“When I see you, I see the source of that fucking _expression_ that Thor had the year you were missing after you saw me that made him look like he was forty whenever he thought no one was looking. The person who unleashed the army that killed the _thousands_ of people whose bodies had to be searched for by their loved ones and who were more often than not carried dead out of the wreckage of New York City in front of the news cameras.”  
  
Tony’s nearly in front of him now.  
  
“And the thought of being _near_ you, let alone allowing you to put your hands on my body makes me sick.”  
  
He’d thought he was numb and he should be numb, so why do the words hurt so much?  
  
 _I’m sorry_ he wants to say, and _What can I do to fix it? Tell me what you want me to do because I don’t know how to fix this._  
  
And yet... looking into Tony’s eyes, the answer is nothing.  
  
There is nothing and he is a fool not to have known the mortals words for lies when he spoke them.  
  
Thor killed hundreds.  
  
Banner killed hundreds.  
  
Romanoff killed hundreds.  
  
But it isn’t personal.  
  
And Tony knew them first as friends. It wasn’t their choice like it was his and he deserves this. Deserves this like he deserved the venom and the jeers and—  
  
He finally understands what it is to be so low there is no forgiveness.  
  
Nothing he can offer will ever be enough.  
  
His voice sounds hoarse when he finally manages to speak.  
  
“I understand, Tony. I will not bother you again,” he says.  
  
Because, little as it is, he can at least do _that_ for Tony.  
  
And then he is gone.


End file.
